


It's All Fun and Games Until Someone's A Demon

by rachipoo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel is a Good Friend, Dean is a Little Shit, Dean is not a dick, Demon Dean, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, Hunters & Hunting, Just a badass, Multiple Orgasms, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Overprotective Dean Winchester, Protective Dean Winchester, Reader and Castiel are best friends, Reader-Insert, Sam Is So Done, Sam and Reader are best friends, Sam is Not Amused, Sexual Tension, Smut, Some Humor, hunting au, protective Reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 22:09:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6059869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachipoo/pseuds/rachipoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean has disappeared after being killed by Metatron. Sam and Y/N begin to look for him only to discover that he's not the same person he was before. In fact, he's not even really human anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's a New Me

**Author's Note:**

> This story is coming to life because one of my readers pitched a great idea to me and now I'm writing a fic based on that idea. They didn't want credit for it, but they know who they are :) xoxo Enjoy!

"Sam, we have to do something." You urge as you sit across from him at one of the tables in the library of the bunker.

"I know, just...he's my brother, I have to find a way."

"I get that, but you tried Crowley and we haven't heard anything. Even Cas is off the grid. I think maybe we need to accept that Dean's really gone this time." You say quietly, not wanting to believe your own words.

It's been two days since Dean was killed by Metatron and after the initial shock you and Sam are now trying to figure out what to do. Sam asked Crowley for help but he didn't show up. Dean's body is on his bed, but you and Sam haven't been in his room since you left him there. Neither of you want to see his lifeless form and face the truth. However, it's time you start thinking about salting and burning him like the true hunter he is.

"I just need more time. I can bring him back!" Sam says with angry determination.

You nod and decide now is a good time for you to leave him alone. You take the liquor bottle that has been your friend since Dean's death and leave the library. On the way to your room you pause in front of Dean's closed door. You stand there for a few minutes before taking a swig of the amber liquid in your hand and pushing the door open.

A gasp escapes you and you drop the bottle when you take a look inside the bedroom.

"Sam!" You shout out.

You hear Sam as he hurries down the hall, rushing to you. "Y/N, are you okay? What happened?"

You wordlessly gesture at Dean's room where the bed is now empty. Sam's brow furrows and he steps into the room, pulling a piece of paper off the mattress and showing it to you.

 

_Y/N, SAMMY,_

_LET ME GO._

"He's...alive?" You ask nobody in particular.

"Let's go, we have to find him." Sam says, pulling your sleeve.

You try praying to Cas, but he doesn't show. Sam calls all of Dean's cell numbers and then tries tracking his phone when he gets no answers. You even try calling Crowley to see if he had anything to do with this. None of it worked, of course. Why would anything be easy for you? You run out to the 'garage' and see that Dean took the Impala. How the hell had you not heard that?

And so that's how the next few weeks go. You and Sam have prayed your hearts out to Cas and haven't heard a peep. Not a word from Crowley and certainly not a word from Dean either. You've talked to the locals to see if he'd been around but no luck. You're not sure what your next move is until one night you and Sam are watching the news. A reporter is talking about a new bar that opened a few towns over and suddenly a familiar black car catches your eye in the parking lot.

"Sam, did you see that?" You ask, perking up.

"Yeah..you think it's Dean?"

You raise your brows. "How many people do you know that drive a '67 Impala around here?"

"That's what I thought. Let's go." Sam says as he leaps up from the couch.

You pack clothes and weapons in a hurry, the run out to start your truck while you wait for Sam. He hops in and you speed down the road, hoping to catch Dean before he's gone.

. . . .

The drive takes at least three hours without stopping and then another twenty minutes to find the bar. You both basically jump out of the vehicle and all but sprint into the building. Your eyes scan the dimly lit room for any sign of Dean but it's nearly empty. Sam asks around if anyone has seen his brother, to which most of the employees reply that they saw him but wished they hadn't.

"Guy came in here, drank way too much, treated our waitresses like garbage, and then he did some terrible karaoke and left." The bartender says.

You and Sam share a look.

"You sure it was this guy?" Sam asks, showing the man another picture of Dean.

"I'm sure."

"How long ago did he leave?" You ask. "And was he alone?"

"About an hour ago. And no, he was with some British dude."

"Thanks for your help." Sam inclines his head.

The bartender nods and returns to his work.

As soon as you're out of the bar you turn to Sam. "This is weird."

"Dean comes back to life and doesn't want us to look for him so he can come to bars with  _Crowley_ and act like an asshole? That doesn't sound right. Dean's an idiot, but not that big of one." Sam says.

Your eyes widen. "Do you think maybe somehow he's soulless? I remember when you came back without your soul. You were a total dick."

Sam shoots you a bitchface before shrugging his shoulders. "I hope that's not what's going on. How would he have lost his soul? It just doesn't add up."

"I dunno, but he only left an hour ago. Let's ask around, maybe some more people saw him." You say as you turn to the truck.

You hear a blunt noise and look over to see that Sam's on the ground, the back of his head bleeding a little. You look around for who hit him but see nothing. A hand comes around and covers your mouth as an arm wraps around your waist. You kick and pull with all your might, trying to reach the knife in your combat boot. Your foot connects with something and you hear a grunt before pain explodes in your head and everything goes dark.

. . . . . . .

Your eyes spring open and then close against the harsh light. You squint and try to look around.

"Sam?" You croak out.

You hear a mumble from beside you. Once your eyes adjust you see that you're in some sort of basement, tied up. Sam is beside you, also tied up.

"What the hell?" Sam grumbles.

"Sammy, you okay?"

He nods. "My head hurts though." 

"Mine too." You concur. 

You test the restraints on your wrists and ankles, trying to free yourself. They're not budging. You hear a door open and footsteps sound down some stairs. You follow the sound and look to your left as a large man with black eyes appears.

"Demons." Sam whispers angrily.

"What the hell is going on?" You demand.

The man smiles and crouches down so he's in your face. "Revenge." He says simply, stroking your cheek.

You turn your head and bite his hand hard enough to draw blood. He hisses and backhands you across the face. Your cheek stings but you grin, spitting his blood back at him.

"Oh, a feisty one. We're gonna enjoy killing you." He growls.

"We?" Sam asks.

"Yes, we." The demon whistles and more of his kind file down the staircase. There are at least ten more of them.

"Did we kill your friend or something? Why us?" Sam questions.

A brown-haired woman steps up. "Your  _brother_ killed our Queen!"

"Abaddon?" 

"Yes! Abaddon was our chance at a new way of living, but your brother killed her! So now...we're going to kill what he loves." The demon woman says, looking between you and Sam.

"Dean's dead." Sam says, probably hoping they didn't know the truth.

The woman's face twists and she kicks Sam hard in the ribs. "Don't lie, Sam."

Sam groans and she kicks him again. This time you hear a distinct crack as Sam cries out.

You pull against your restraints, feeling them bite into your wrists. "Hey!  _Bitch!"_ You shout.

She turns to you. "Oh, you don't like it when I hurt him? Too bad." She grins maliciously and delivers a rough punch to Sam's jaw, then presses her foot against his likely cracked rib, making him shout out in pain.

"I'm gonna tear you apart, you skank! Don't touch him!" You shout between clenched teeth.

"But you're all tied up." She says with a fake pout.

"Doesn't matter. Dean's gonna come for you when he finds out about this." You say, trying to avoid looking at Sam because you can't stand seeing him in pain like that.

"Good. Let him come." The big man steps forward. "There are eleven of us and one tiny, human Dean. We will kill him and get our true revenge."

"Enough talk! Let's get down to business." The woman says as she pulls out a knife, cutting Sam's cheek.

You begin whispering an exorcism and hear a gasp as it begins to work on the brown-haired demon. You feel a large hand around your throat, cutting off your breathing. You gasp for air and try to wiggle your hands free but the grip just tightens.

"Nice try, you little bitch." The large man says as he squeezes harder.

You hear Sam pleading for him to stop, but the demon woman tells him to keep going. Everything is becoming faded as you struggle to breathe.

"Hey!" You hear a familiar voice cut through the haze.

The grip is removed from your throat and you desperately pull air into your lungs. You look to the side just in time to see Dean Winchester, smirking as he starts killing demons. He takes down most of them, and the remaining three charge at him. Dean stabs the smallest woman and all that's left is the large man and the brunette. Dean begins a fight with the man as the woman, who seems to be the leader, walks over to Sam and pulls out her knife.

"No!" You try to yell, but it comes out as a painful whisper from your sore throat.

The woman raises the knife just as the large man is thrown right at her. They collide and fall to the floor as Dean stomps toward them. He stabs the man and pulls him off of the woman. She looks at Dean's face and her jaw drops. Dean's back is to you so you can't see what she's so surprised about.

"You're...you can't be!" She shouts just as Dean plunges the demon knife into her chest.

There's a moment of silence as you and Sam look around at all the demons that Dean ganked on his own.

"You guys alright?" Dean asks, his back still to you.

His voice is even deeper and more raspy than it was before, which you didn't think was possible. He turns around and looks at you with....

 

Black eyes. 


	2. Well This is Awkward

Just as Dean's eyes were black, they're green again nearly as quickly. You wonder if you were seeing things, but when you look over at Sam you know what you saw was real.

"You're not my brother." Sam growls.

"Awkward, 'cause I am. Of course I'm your brother." Dean says as he begins to untie you.

As soon as you're free you spring up and take a defensive stance as Dean unties Sam's legs, but not his hands.

"Before I untie you, let me tell you a story." Dean says. "I died. I came back. Now I'm a demon. And Y/N, before you try to exorcise me let me explain something to you. A demon isn't  _in_ me, I  _am_ a demon. The mark brought me back, I guess."

Everything he says is paired with a small, cocky smirk. 

"If you're a demon, why haven't you tried to kill us?" You ask, eyeing the demon knife in his hand. You wonder if you'd be able to take it from him.

"I'm still me. I don't kill my family." Dean shrugs. "All I ask in return is that my family doesn't try to kill me." He looks pointedly at Sam.

Sam nods. "Fine, I won't kill you. Yet."

That seems to be good enough for Dean because he unties Sam's wrists. Sam winces when he tries to stand up and you rush over to help him.

"I think my rib is broken." He wheezes.

"I don't doubt it. Let's get you home and I'll take care of it." You say, leading him to the stairs.

"You're welcome." Dean calls after you, staying where he is.

"Oh, no no. You're coming with us. Demon or not, we're not letting you go again." You say, sounding more confident than you feel.

Dean walks over to you slowly and invades your personal space. "Make me." He whispers dangerously.

You stop breathing for a few seconds. There is no denying it, this version of Dean is hot as fuck. And kind of terrifying. You kick yourself for being attracted to the supposedly evil side of Dean, but you can't deny the tingles in your body when he's standing this close. You squeeze your thighs together and meet his eyes. "I can't make you." You say lamely, your voice wavering just a little bit.

Dean grins and backs off. You release a small breath and continue the task of getting Sam up the stairs.

. . . .

You tape up Sam's torso back at the bunker and clean the knife wound on his cheek. He looks at the bruises on your neck from the demon's hand and winces. 

"They'll fade, I'll be fine." You reassure, voice still a little raspy.

You sit across from Sam at the table once again and nobody says anything for a while. You twiddle your thumbs until you can't take the silence any longer.

"Are we gonna talk about it?" You ask.

Sam sighs. "We have to fix him."

"Maybe I don't wanna be fixed."

You and Sam jump at the deep voice booming from the other side of the room.

"Shit, Dean! Don't  _do_ that!" You shout.

He saunters over with that stupid, sexy smirk. "Sorry, sugar. Didn't mean to scare you."

"What do you mean you don't want to be fixed? You're..a monster." Sam says.

"Maybe so, but I'm stronger, faster."

"You're a  _demon!_ " Sam exclaims, clearly having none of Dean's shit.

"I know. But I can still be a hunter, Sammy. I'm not evil, there's still some of the old me in here. I care about you guys, I do. Just don't expect any of the old touchy-feely crap." Dean says with a shrug.

You glance at Sam and see that he's conflicted. You're feeling the same way.

"Sam, why don't you head to bed? It's been a long night."

Sam nods and leaves the room without a word. Now it's just you and Dean.

"Y/N, you know I'm bad, right? I won't hurt you, but I'm not a saint. Even as a human I wasn't good, so imagine how I am now." Dean says honestly.

You're wondering why he's telling you this. You step closer to him and look into his green eyes. "There's good in you, Dean Winchester. I've always seen it."

Dean's face softens for a moment but then a devilish grin spreads across his cheeks. "That's real nice of you to say. Now how 'bout a kiss, sweetheart?"

You push away from him. "Ugh. Can we pretend, for one second, that you're not a complete douchebag?" You ask, only half joking.

Dean barks out a laugh and you turn on your heel, rolling your eyes.

"Where are you going?" Dean calls, still chuckling.

"To bed. And no, you can't join me. Will we see you tomorrow?"

"Sure thing." He says. Your back is still to him but you can practically  _feel_ his cocky smile.

. . . .

Dean does show up the next day, though. And the one after that. And so it goes that he is with you and Sam every day while you try to get used to the new version of him. Sam is still looking for a cure, despite Dean's protests. You're still trying to reign in your attraction to Dean. You've always liked Dean but never acted on it because you've always been just friends. But now you find it damn near impossible to resist him, no matter how much of an ass he is. Of course, you would never admit this to anyone but yourself.

. . . .

"Y/N, he could kill someone! We don't know how he handles himself around people!" Sam argues one day.

"He's not a rabid dog, Sam. And he's not stupid. We could use his help on this." You counter.

You and Sam are going on a hunt and you think Dean should come along, but Sam is set against it. You're going after a big vamp nest and Dean's ruthless strength and inability to die could really help. When you tell this to Sam he can't help but agree, even though he's not happy about it.

An hour later you're all in the Impala on your way out of town. Dean blares the music and sings along, much like he used to do. You admire how carefree he is. You have to keep reminding yourself that he's supposed to be 'bad', but you just can't see him quite that way. 

When you arrive in town, you meet up with another hunter who gives you the scoop on the nest.

"Hey, you're Dean Winchester...I thought you were dead." The hunter, Logan, says.

"Well I'm back." Is all Dean says in return.

After that you all dive into the hunt and the local hunter ends up being vampire bait.

"We'll let them grab you and then we'll follow behind. Don't worry, we won't let anything happen to you." Sam assures.

Logan nods as you, Sam, and Dean retreat to the Impala around the corner.

Everything goes as planned and you follow the vamp right to the nest. Instead of going in quietly like you wanted, Dean just bursts through the door. The vampires immediately take action, attacking Dean. You, Sam, and Dean kill most of them before you're taken hostage. Three vampires hold you, Sam, and Logan as they threaten to kill you if Dean doesn't surrender. Dean flashes his black eyes and pulls a gun out of his pants. You wonder what he's doing as he aims the gun at Logan's head.

"Listen, you bloodsuckers. I'm a demon, I don't care about these people." Dean says simply.

The vamps all stare at their leader as he tears Logan's throat out, clearly expecting a reaction from Dean.

"No!" You and Sam shout as the hunters body crumples to the floor, blood pooling everywhere.

The vampire leader looks downright shocked to see that Dean does not, in fact, care that someone just died. The vamps suddenly release you and attack Dean. He takes most of them down and you get rid of the few stragglers. Sam is crouching beside Logan's body, staring in shock at Dean.

"What the hell was that?!" You demand.

"I assumed that if they thought I didn't care about you they would just try to kill me and save you all as a snack or something. Why would they waste three free meals if they didn't have to. I would have killed all of them and you guys would have been safe."

You and Sam stare, open-mouthed, at Dean.

He raises his hands up. "I'll admit that didn't quite go the way I expected, but at least nobody important died."

Your jaw refuses to close. "I thought you said you cared about us still?"

"I do care about you Y/N. You and Sam." Dean replies.

You look at Sam, then back at Dean. Maybe Sam was right, maybe Dean is too dangerous. He clearly would do anything to protect you and Sam, but he'd do it at the expense of other lives if he had to. In some deep twisted way it was kind of sweet, but you couldn't have Dean going around killing people for you guys.

"Dean, he was a human being." Sam says, disgust shown clearly on his features. "And you just let him die like it was nothing. You didn't even flinch."

"I feel kinda bad about it, really. But I had to protect you two and we needed to take out this nest. So you're welcome." Dean says.

Sam gets up and throws a punch, which Dean blocks. Sam keeps trying and a couple of them land square on Dean's face.

"Sam, I'm warning you, don't piss me off." Dean growls.

Sam keeps punching and so Dean delivers a firm hit to his chin, knocking him down. Dean picks him up by his collar and then drops him down again. Sam's jaw is tight as he gets up, fists clenched.

You interfere and pull Sam away. "Damn it, Sam. Go outside and cool off!" You say as you push him out the door.

Dean smirks at his brother getting in trouble.

"And you!" You whirl on the older Winchester.

His smirk falls.

"Go stand over there and don't hurt anyone else! You've killed enough for today." You admonish, shoving Dean to a corner of the room.

You pull some salt and gasoline out of the car and drag Logan's body to the backyard to salt and burn it. You watch the flames rise and think about how to deal with Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be a bit more light-hearted. I want to have all the fun with Demon Dean that we didn't get for long in the show. Also, smut is in the future...the very near future! xoxo Thanks for reading!


	3. Not Evil, Just a Badass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are some fun times for you guys. The story is gonna be light and/or smutty for a couple of chapters cause I wanna explore funny and sexy Demon Dean and everything. But then shit will hit the fan. I'm not sure how yet, but it will!  
> Enjoy xoxo :)

You made Dean promise not to kill anyone or put them in danger unless it was  _absolutely_ necessary. Then you had to explain to him what you considered necessary. So far he had been keeping his promise quite well, surprisingly. You felt more comfortable hunting with him now, and so did Sam even if he wouldn't admit it. It turns out that Dean isn't a complete evil dick, just kind of a badass.

Everything is going okay until one morning you wake up and walk to the kitchen, only to trip on something large. You hear a growl and hot breath puffs onto your face. You see nothing there, but you recognize the sounds. It's a hellhound. You hop up from the ground and sprint for your room, hearing barking as the hellhound runs behind you. You slam your door shut as the thing scratches against it. You hurry to your closet and pull out your shotgun filled with rocksalt. You creep closer to the door, breaking out in a tense sweat as you ready yourself to open it. You reach out to the handle and turn it, swinging the door open to reveal...

"Crowley?"

"Hello, darling." He says.

"What the  _hell_ are you doing here?"

"I'm picking up Juliet." He answers, petting something beside him.

"Juliet is your...hellhound?"

He nods. "I know you can't see her but she's a real beauty."

"Mhm. And what exactly is..uh, Juliet..doing in the bunker?" You ask, trying to keep your cool.

"Dean was dog-sitting for me last night. She has really taken a liking to him."

"He..okay, I don't have the energy to deal with this right now." You say as you rub your temples.

"Could you put the gun down? You're making Juliet nervous." Crowley says nonchalantly.

" _I'm_ making  _her_ nervous? She just tried to kill me!" You shout.

"Oh, please. Maybe she just wanted to play."

"Get out, Crowley. Take  _Juliet_ with you." You say as you push past him to Dean's room. You walk in without knocking and rip the headphones off of his ears.

"Hey! I was listening to music!" He whines.

"Don't care. We need to lay down some rules." You say. "First of all, we are not a damn hellhound hotel! Second, if you're bringing Crowley in here you need to ask first!"

"Okay, mom." Dean says sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"I'm serious, Dean. If you want to stay here you need to be more considerate of Sam and I."

"Who says I wanna stay here?" Dean challenges.

"Don't pull that crap with me. You can be an ass to everyone all you want, but I know you want to be here with Sam and I. And we want you here, but only if you at least  _try_ to behave."

Dean looks surprised at your honesty. For a while you had tip-toed around him, afraid that he might snap, bit now you realize he's almost the same Dean but he's just less...emotional.

"Alright, fine. I'll try." He concedes.

"Good." You nod curtly. "Also, you need to start putting on some pants before you leave your room because you're making Sam uncomfortable."

Dean looks heavenward and looks like being asked to wear pants is the most inconvenient thing that's ever happened to him. You pick up some jeans from the floor and toss them at him. He catches them and holds them up in a way that tells you he will put them on when he comes out. You stride out of his room, closing the door behind you.

. . . . . .

Things move along more smoothly after that. You hunt, you drink, you play cards, and you've built up a strangely good relationship with Crowley. If someone had told you a year ago that you'd be hanging out with a demon and the King of Hell, you wouldn't have believed them. Sam has been having a harder time adjusting but he seems to be coming along. Dean hasn't killed a person in months. You can't say the same for Crowley, but he is Crowley after all.

You're cleaning up the library one night after Sam has gone to bed when Dean saunters in and offers to help.

" _You_ want to help me clean?" You ask in shock.

"I help all the time." Dean insists.

You bark out a laugh. "Sure you do." 

It turns out that Dean's version of helping consists of putting one book away and then sitting down and kicking his feet up on one of the tables. You continue to put books away and turn off some of the lamps, aware of Dean's eyes following you around the room the whole time.When you're satisfied with the library you leave the room to go start in on the kitchen. Usually you and Sam spend Sundays cleaning the bunker, but with Dean and Crowley around it's become a full-time job. Some days you feel more like a nanny than a hunter. You sigh as you stare at the disaster in the kitchen. Dean strolls in behind you and you recruit him to wash the dishes, grumbling about him not helping out enough. He flashes his black eyes and says 'make me'.

You roll your eyes, tossing the dish cloth at him.

"Dean, I know you won't hurt me. I'm not scared of you."

He backs you up against the fridge, his chest pinning you there.

"Maybe you should be." He says, low and gritty.

Your eyes meet his and you swallow hard, suddenly nervous. Not because you're scared, but because you aren't. There's a demon pinning you against something and you're not armed, but you aren't scared at all. At what point did you stop seeing them as dangerous? Although, you suppose he's not a demon, not  _really_. He's still Dean, isn't he?

His green eyes blaze into you and you feel warmth pooling between your thighs as you remember the husky tone of his voice. You try to speak but nothing comes out. You bite your lip and Dean makes a noise from his throat before his lips crash into yours. It takes you by surprise for a moment, but you're leaning into him and returning the kiss now.

Your hands come up to tangle in his hair and he picks you up and carries you over to the counter. He holds you up with one hand and uses the other to push everything off the counter. Beer cans and bottles clatter to the floor but you don't have time to care as Dean sets you down and kisses you again. His hands grip your legs as his tongue pushes against your lips, demanding entrance. You grant him access and he licks into your mouth, your tongues twisting together every so often. You wrap your legs around his waist as one of his hands skims up your leg, over your hips, and along your back. His touch trails tingles along your skin as you kiss him harder. Dean's mouth moves down your jaw to your neck, his tongue leaving fire in it's wake. He bites your collarbone and you breathe in sharply, feeling your underwear dampening with every movement of his mouth.

You pull at Dean's t-shirt and he sheds it, letting it drop to the floor. You admire his tight body before he takes your shirt off and unclasps your bra expertly. He yanks it off in one fluid motion and stares hungrily at your exposed breasts.

Without a word he places his hands under your thighs and lifts you off the counter. You wrap your arms around his shoulders, then begin nipping and sucking on the exposed skin of his neck and shoulders as he carries you down the hall. Once you're in his room he tosses you on the bed and removes the rest of his clothing. You stare as his erection springs free. You'd imagined this moment more times than you'd care to admit, but now that it's actually happening you're so overwhelmed with lust that you don't know what to do.

Dean walks closer with a predatory grin on his face and unbuttons your jeans. He slides the denim down your legs and discards your pants somewhere on the floor. He runs his fingers across the waistband of your panties and you wiggle in anticipation. Instead of pulling them off, Dean snaps the lace against your hips and then positions himself over you to bite and suck on your neck again. You feel his erection pressed against your leg and you attempt to squirm down so it's pressing against your core. Dean chuckles and runs his hands along your panty-line again as his head dips down so he can suck on one of your breasts. He swirls his tongue around one nipple and pinches the other, and not gently either. You gasp in pleasure and push your hips up off the bed, wrapping your legs around him to try and pull his groin closer to yours. Dean just chuckles again.

"Wow, you want it bad don't you?" He says huskily.

You nod vigorously and look at his lust-blown green eyes. You bite your lip again and Dean groans. He sits back on his heels and literally rips your underwear off. You hear the fabric split apart and watch Dean throw it over his shoulder. He yanks you down to the end of the bed and pushes your legs open. Not wasting any time, he buries his face between your thighs and licks expertly. You breathe out sharply and slide one hand into his hair, the other gripping the sheets. Dean's tongue slides down through your folds and he moans blissfully, sending vibrations that make your eyes slide closed as you enjoy the feeling. He flicks his tongue across your clitoris with force and your hips flutter as a whimper escapes you.

Dean soon has you close to the edge and then he just stops abruptly. You whine in protest as he comes back up and sucks on the hard buds of your nipples. He's teasing you.

"Dean, please." You huff out.

He continues to suck on your breasts as you become a writhing mess beneath him. Your hips are thrusting up helplessly and you're rubbing up against Dean's leg, trying to gain some friction until finally he goes down on you again. This time he doesn't stop until your body shakes and you orgasm with a shout.

You've barely had time to catch your breath before Dean slings your legs over his shoulders and pushes his rock-hard member into you. You gasp as he fills you up and then sigh contentedly as he thrusts into you once, twice. His hips still and his hands grip the tops of your thighs to hold you in place as he slams into you hard and fast, shifting his hips at a rapid pace. A sheen of sweat breaks out over both of you as Dean relentlessly moves, and you dig your nails into his muscular shoulders. He's grunting from deep in his chest and that does something to you, and before you know it your stomach coils and releases. Dean keeps pushing in and out, chasing his release. You watch the gorgeous man overtop of you and see that his face is full of primal need and pleasure. You've never seen him look quite that way, and you take some satisfaction in the fact that it's a need for you and your body. You watch as he finishes and you swear his eyes turn black for a moment.

You're not given much time to think about it though, because Dean is flipping you over and pulling you up onto your knees. He spreads your knees apart and sheaths himself inside you. Your arms wobble and fall, so now your chest, shoulders, and face are pressed against the mattress. Dean grips your hips tight enough to leave bruises and prods in and out of you. You're sure you won't be able to orgasm for a third time but he keeps going. He picks up the pace even further and pleasure starts to shoot through you again, building and building.

"Holy shit, holy shit, holy shiiiiit.." You moan out as the pleasure reaches such a high peak that it's almost painful.

You come so hard this time that you can feel the wetness dripping down your legs.

Dean's movements continue until you become oversensitive and writhe beneath him. He pulls out and brings you up to face him. You understand what he wants and you wrap your lips around his erection, hollowing out your cheeks and letting him thrust into your mouth. You look up at him through your lashes and his eyes meet yours as he bites his lip. His hips stutter and he shoots his release into your mouth. You swallow it down and then collapse onto the bed, completely spent.

You fall asleep immediately and dream about freckles and green eyes that turn black.


	4. Lying Sounds Like a Good Plan

You wake up in the morning to the stiffness of dried fluids between your legs and an aching body. You sit up and pat the empty spot on the bed beside you, remembering the events of the night. You desperately need a shower and some coffee. You stand up and groan at the soreness between your thighs, hobbling to the bathroom. You take a long shower and think about last night. You had imagined what it would be like to sleep with Dean more times than you care to admit, and you had always imagined him being a gentle partner. However, last night was anything but gentle. It was amazing, but definitely not what you imagined. You suppose it has to do with the fact that Dean is a demon, which still should bother you but doesn't. As you dry off you ponder that for a while, and come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter if he's a demon or not right now. And then your mind moves on to thinking about what you'll tell Sam. Maybe you just won't tell him anything. Yeah, lying sounds like a good plan for now.

You make your way to the kitchen for some coffee and you run into Sam. You duck your head and say a quick good morning before grabbing your coffee quickly and hoping he doesn't make conversation.

"Hey, Y/N, can I talk to you about something?" 

_ Oh my god, he knows!  _

"Uh, sure." You say, trying for nonchalance.

"I think Dean had a girl over last night." Sam says.

You perk up. "Hmm? What makes you say that?"

"I heard him. Uh, and her. They were really, really loud. Like, pornstar loud. You didn't hear it?"

You're sure your face is cherry red. "Uh, no. I had my headphones in."

"So did I." Sam says awkwardly.

" _Oh._ They were that loud, huh?" You try to say casually.

"Yeah." Sam says, clearly uncomfortable. "We told him he has to stop bringing girls over here. It's not good for so many people to know where the bunker is. It could be dangerous for us."

"I know." You reply. 

"Could you maybe talk to him? He listens to you better than me." 

"Sure. I'll talk to him." You say with a tight smile, relieved that this conversation is ending.

You take your mug and turn for the hall, wanting to escape to your room as quickly as possible.

"Hey, Y/N?" Sam says again.

You bite your tongue and turn around. "Yes, Sam?"

"Do you know what happened in here? I came in this morning and all the stuff from the counter was all over the floor."

"No idea. Maybe him and his, um, lady friend started their foreplay in the kitchen." You say.

"Gross. I'm bleaching the counters." Sam says, making a face.

You force a laugh and hurry to your room. You put your music on and clean up your room, trying to relax. You laugh a bit at the situation. You're relieved Sam thought it was some random chick Dean was with, and not you. That's how it can stay for now. You continue cleaning until a knock sounds at your door and then Dean strides in. 

"The knock is pointless if you're just gonna walk in without permission." You say, turning the music off.

Dean simply shrugs.

"Sam heard us last night." You say.

Dean chuckles. "How much did he freak out?"

"He didn't really freak out. He thought you were with some random girl, not me."

"You didn't tell him the truth?" Dean asks.

"Nope. And neither will you. Please." You say, a hint of pleading in your voice.

"What if I do?" Dean asks, voice lowering.

"I don't know." You say simply.

Dean sighs. "Fine, I won't say anything."

"Thanks. Also, he wants me to talk to you about not having girls over here anymore. So next time we'll have to be more quiet while we're-"

"Next time?" Dean asks with raised eyebrows.

"I didn't mean...I mean, if you want there to be a next time we can...um.." You babble and then trail off lamely.

Dean saunters a little closer and you push him away as you hear footsteps in the hall. Sam appears in the doorway and you shift gears, faking annoyance.

"Dean, don't argue with me please. You're free to do whatever and whoever you want in any motel you want. Just don't do it here. Ok?" You say sternly.

Dean looks confused and then he catches on. He sighs dramatically. "Fine."

"Good." You nod and then look past Dean with fake surprise. "Oh hey, Sam. I didn't see you there." 

"Hey, I'm just returning something to Dean." Sam says with a hint of teasing in his voice.

He tosses a black, lacy bra at Dean.  _Your_ black, lacy bra. Followed by a black tank top. Also yours.

Dean catches them and smirks. 

"Found those under the table in the kitchen. Could you guys not have kept it all in the bedroom? Now I feel like I have to sanitize every surface around here." Sam shivers dramatically.

"Come on, Sammy. The kitchen counter is one of the best places to-"

"You're gross." Sam says before exiting the room.

Dean laughs and waves your bra around at you. You glare at him.

"This isn't funny." You say seriously.

"It's a little funny." Dean grins.

You refuse to smile. You look away and Dean pulls you closer, kissing up your neck. You push him away and he leaves with a chuckle, taking your bra with him. You wait until he's gone and then allow yourself to grin. 


	5. Chapter 5

"Everyone stay calm!" You command, addressing all the people in the room.

You're standing in the doorway of a hardware store in a small town. Sam and Dean are to your left gathering supplies. This town has been overrun by demons and you have the last remaining survivors locked inside the store.

"Ok, Y/N, let's go." Sam says.

"Someone has to stay with them." You reply, waving your arm at the terrified civilians.

Sam moves closer so he's out of earshot from everyone but you. "Dean can't go out there." He gestures out the door. "Those demons are like...I dunno, his people now or whatever. What happens if he decides to join them? He knows all our weaknesses, Y/N. Hell, he  _is_ one of our weaknesses." Sam whispers.

You roll your eyes. "Okay, first of all, they are not his 'people'. Secondly, I thought you were starting to trust him again, Sam?" 

"I am, but we should still be careful. He could-"

"Listen, we're wasting time here. It's either he goes out there and fights or he keeps watch over these poor, defenseless people..." You say slowly. 

"Okay, okay. He can fight." Sam says with a sigh.

"Great. You two better get going." You say.

"No, you go with him." Sam argues.

"Nope. This is how you build your trust with him." You say sternly.

Sam merely gives you a look and turns for the door.

You pull Dean aside. "You watch his back and don't let him get killed. And don't you dare die."

Dean smirks and flashes his black eyes. "Sweetheart, I can't die."

You hear gasps behind you.

"Dean!" You whisper-yell. "They're gonna think you're one of the demons trying to kill them. What am I supposed to do now if they start asking questions?"

Dean shrugs. "Be polite. And if someone gets too nosy just, y'know, shoot 'em."

You fix him with a look. "'Shoot 'em'?"

He shrugs again. "Politely."

You shake your head and push him out the door, followed by Sam. You turn and address everyone behind you. "Grab some salt and pour lines in front of all the windows and doors. It should keep the demons away for now."

Nobody moves. They all just stare at you. Tough love it is.

"Do you want to live? Yes? Then get off your asses and do what I tell you!" You shout.

They bolt up and hurry for the bags of road salt in the corner. You salt the main door and then set off to find some spray-paint.

"Any artists?" You ask, shaking the cans in your hands.

One timid young girl raises her hand.

"Good. Come here." You say.

She tip-toes over, looking at the floor.

"I'm going to show you how to make a Devil's Trap. We'll put them by all the entrances." You tell her.

She nods subtly and doesn't meet your eyes.

You sigh. "Look, I know you're scared. But we're on your side, I promise." You say gently.

She looks at you then, with a small smile, and nods with more certainty this time. You show her how to do the Devil's Traps and then move on to helping some others. You give out the couple of bottles of holy water left, show one semi-experienced gunman how to use a sawed-off full of rock salt, and tell everyone what to do if a demon somehow gets in. You all settle onto the floor and wait. A little while in and you're getting restless. You feel like you're on the sidelines while the rest of your team is in the game. You fiddle with the gun in your hand and try to listen in on some of the whispered conversations around you, hoping to keep busy with that, and also to make sure they're not freaking out about Dean's black eye stunt earlier. No such luck, you can't make out anything the people are saying, which means maybe they didn't even notice his eyes. You get up and pace the room once, twice, three times. Never has a hunt been so boring for you. You like to be in on the action, not babysitting. You exhale and remind yourself that it's important for Sam and Dean to bond again. And what better way for Winchesters to bond than to go out and kill things?

You check and re-check the traps and salt lines. You're making your fifth round when Sam walks in the door.

"All clear." He says, breathing heavy after what you assume was an action-packed hunt.

He walks through the salt and the devil's trap. Good, he's not possessed. He is, however, covered in blood.

"How much of this is yours?" You ask, plucking at the bloody sleeve of his coat.

"Not much of it. I'm all good." Sam assures you. You breathe easier now.

"Helloooooo. Let me in." Dean calls from the doorway.

You stride over to the door and bend to scratch the devil's trap with your knife when someone shouts out.

"Don't let him in! He's one of them!" A guy yells.

"We saw his eyes!" A woman screeches.

_Well, shit._

You wave your hands, signalling for everyone to be quiet.

"He's on our side. Look." You say, scratching the trap so Dean can come in. "See? He's not gonna hurt anyone."

Everyone seems to accept that for the moment, so you begin packing away your weapons.

"See, Sam? He had your back." You say quietly to the younger Winchester while Dean isn't paying attention.

"Yeah, I guess. He-" Sam begins, but is cut off by a yowl from his brother.

You spin around to see smoke coming from Dean's skin as a woman throws holy water on him. You jump up and step between her and Dean. 

"Stop! Stop! He isn't gonna hurt us so just calm down!" You shout, swatting her extended hand holding the holy water away.

"He's evil! Spawn of the devil!" She hisses.

**Click.**

Your head whips to the left just in time to see Semi-Experience Gunman ready the shotgun you'd given him.

"Don't, you'll only piss him off." You warn.

**Bang!**

Dean howls as the rock salt hits his leg. "SonofaBitch!"

You're in front of Dean in a second, trying to hold him back. They've pushed his temper now. Sam runs over to take the gun from the guy, and the woman takes the opportunity to splash Dean with the holy water again. That makes him more angry, of course. Meanwhile, she's yelling at him to burn in hell. Dean plows through you and heads toward the man who shot at him. You try to pull him back but he's far too strong and he knows it.

"Dean, stop!" You yell so loud it startles even you.

Dean's movement stutters and then he turns to you.

"Please stop." You say, quieter this time.

And to your surprise, he listens. You can still feel the anger radiating from him, but he simply stomps out of the building. You knew he didn't  _really_ want to hurt anybody. He was still Dean.

You huff and then turn to Sam.

"Can you please handle these goddamn people while I go after him?" You ask tightly, already heading for the door. 

"Sure. And Y/N?"

You turn to face him.

"Be careful." Sam says.

"Sam, it's fine. He's not gonna hurt me." You say, unable yo keep the annoyance from your voice.

You step outside and head for the pub in town, knowing that's where he would probably have gone. Sure enough he's there, taking whiskey from behind the deserted bar.

"You want some?" He grunts.

"Yep." You nod, sitting on one of the stools.

Dean pours two glasses and hands one to you, then plops down on a seat to your right. You drink in silence for a few minutes before you slam your glass down on the sticky bar and turn to face him.

"You know what? Screw those people." You say firmly.

"It's fine. Doesn't bother me what they say." Dean says curtly.

"Yes it does. I know it does. Just like it bothered you with those other two hunters when we were working that case a few weeks ago." You say.

Dean's gaze remains fixed on his glass. "It didn't  _bother_ me, it pissed me off. They tried to 'send me back to hell where I'm from' and the whole thing was really inconvenient and annoying. Asshats."

"Yes, it pissed you off. But that's not all and I know it. It hurt you. Because you still have feelings. You can deny it all you want, but demon or not, you're still Dean Winchester. And that means you're still  _good_." You say with confidence.

He looks at you then and you swear his eyes are wet. He hasn't cried since he got The Mark. "You're the only one who thinks that. I'm not good, Y/N. I know it, Sam knows it, everybody knows it."

"Sam's just-"

"Don't try to lie or make something up. Sam hates that I'm like this and he doesn't trust me anymore. He's right to feel that way. This version of me is ruthless and heartless and you know what? I kind of like it. That's what scares me." He admits, voice cracking.

"Dean, if you were heartless you wouldn't feel bad about it." You point out gently.

You rest your hand on his arm and will his green eyes to meet your e/c ones. When they finally do, he looks so defeated, so  _human_. He looks like the old Dean. You feel a fresh wave of anger at all the people who make him hate himself. You lean forward and kiss his cheek gently. He turns his head and kisses you tenderly. A soft hum runs through your body and you feel a single tear drip on your face. You had hooked up that first time almost a month ago and he had never kissed you like this before. Dean's hand gently cups your face and a tingle runs through you again. He touches you almost every night and yet it's never been like this. You think this must be what it would have been like to be with him before The Mark, before the roughness and the primal need replaced the gentle and selfless touch. His lips part gently and you lean in further. Your phone begins to ring and you pull back to see that it's Sam.

"Hey, Sam." You say as you answer.

You can see the moment that sweet and sensitive Dean goes away and the wall goes back up. His eyes flatten an his jaw tenses. The moment is over.

"Did you find him?" Sam asks. 

"I did. We'll be there in a minute." You say distantly, hanging up before you even get a response. 

Dean downs the rest of his drink and strides for the door. You slump against the bar, wishing Sam hadn't called. Now Dean's cocky smirk has returned and he's surely not going to be sharing any more feelings.

"You comin', hot stuff?" He calls as he opens the door.

You sigh and shuffle out the meet Sam and help him clean up the town a bit.

Dean doesn't say a word the whole way home and heads straight to his room when you get there.

"What's up with him?" Sam asks.

"Oh, he's just tired of people trying to kill him." You say dismissively as you head to your room and slam the door behind you.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter doesn't contain any complete sexual assault, but does contain unwanted touching. It's safe to read up until the part where Sam and Y/N talk in the hallway. If you wish to avoid the 'bad' part, please stop reading when Y/N goes into her room from the hallway and I will summarize the rest at the end for you!!

"Dean, wait." You say, pulling away from his lips and pushing on his chest.

He grumbles but moves away to give you some space. You step away from the wall he was pressing you against and just look at him for a moment.

"Y/N, what are you looking-?"

"I love you." You blurt.

Dean's face remains impassive for a beat, and then he looks...angry? He flings your bedroom door open and storms out, slamming it behind him. You stand there, surprised, for a moment before going out after him. When you arrive in the main room of the bunker it's just Sam in there.

"Did Dean come through here?" You ask.

"Yep. He said he's going for a drive." Sam replies.

You nod distantly as you turn to go back to your room.

"Is everything okay?" Sam asks.

You open your mouth to tell him what just happened but then you close it tight. As much as Sam tries, and you know he would try, he wouldn't understand your feelings for Dean. The old Dean, maybe, but 'Demon Dean'? Not a chance.

"Everything's fine, Sam." You force a smile.

. . .

Over the next few weeks Dean doesn't say much of anything to you. You must have really freaked him out. Great.

You're in the middle of a hunt right now, so it isn't really a good time to chat. You decide you're gonna talk to him afterwards though. You're walking through dark allies looking for a werewolf, Sam and Dean are just behind you. You turn a corner and a shrill scream pierces the quiet night. A woman, maybe in her thirties, is on the ground yelling.

"Help me! Please!" She wails.

"Shh, shh. We're here to help, but you need to be quiet!" You reply.

"A siren scared it away...what was it? It was trying to..to..eat me!" She blabbers.

"A werewolf. Now please try to quiet down!" You whisper.

She keeps screaming and shouting, clearly in shock. You glance down and see that her insides are nearly spilling out of her.

"Sam. I need your sweater." You say, trying to sound calm.

He passes it to you and you try to wrap it around the woman's midsection but she keeps screaming and pushing you away.

"Shut her up!" Dean snaps.

"I'm trying, Dean! She's dying." You say.

The woman screeches and looks down at her injury, and then let's out another ear-piercing holler.

"Please be quiet!" You urge, but to no avail. "Sam, can we get her to a hospital in time?"

He steps forward and winces. He has to shout to be heard over the woman. "I don't know. Probably not. It looks really bad. But we should still try."

**Click. Bang!**

Your mouth drops open as the woman's noises cease and her head lulls. Her head has a bullet in it now. You look at Dean, who's tucking his gun back into his waistband.

"What the hell, Dean?!" Sam shouts.

"She needed to be quiet. And besides, you said she wouldn't make it. I put her out of her misery." Dean states.

"No, you just-!" Sam begins, but two werewolves come running around the corner and you all have to finish the hunt.

. . .

The ride home is eerily silent. You all head to take showers without a word when you get back to the bunker. Dean killed an innocent woman. You think about that for a while. You think about it until the water turns cold and you have to step out of the shower. You make your way back to your room but Sam stops you in front of your closed door.

"Y/N we need to talk about what happened." He says quietly.

"He made a mistake, Sam." 

"He  _killed_ someone. He took her out like a wounded animal!" Sam replies.

"I know, okay? I know! But she was dying, you said it yourself." You try to defend Dean stupidly.

"I said she  _probably_ wouldn't make it, but I'm not a doctor. We still should have tried!" Sam challenges.

Nobody says anything for a beat. Sam sighs.

"I don't like feeling this way about my brother, but he can't be trusted. He's not  _human_ anymore, and we can't keep overlooking that. We have to save him, Y/N."

"He doesn't want to be saved." You reply honestly.

"Tough. We're bringing Dean, the real Dean, back." Sam says firmly.

"This  _is_ the real Dean now. We don't even know how to fix him. Even if we do it, he'll still have The Mark. So if he dies again we'll be in the same boat, and to be honest, Winchesters and dying go together like PB and J. So that would only be a temporary fix. Just let me talk to him, okay? We can fix this. Please, Sam?" You request quietly.

Sam nods once and heads to his room. You open your door and jump when a figure steps forward.

"How long have you been standing there?" You ask.

"Longer than you'd like. I came in to talk and heard you and Sammy." Dean says.

"Dean, he's just thinking out loud. Don't be too upset with him." You say.

"I'm not upset with Sam. I'm upset with you." He replies.

"Me?" You squeak. 

"Yes,  _you_. For weeks I've been pushing you away and today I friggin' killed someone, but yet there you were out there defending me!" Dean bellows.

"Well it's not right for Sam to assume you're a monster because you're-"

"I  _am_ a monster! You can't love me, Y/N. I'm not worth it." Dean hisses.

You step closer, grasping his hands. "Yes you are. You've always accepted the bad parts of me and I intend to do the same for you. We can work on things. Say what you want Dean, but I will never think you're a monster." 

Dean rips his hands from your grasp. "I'm all bad, Y/N. I'm a  _demon_. I'm not human and I don't love you."

"I don't believe you." You say simply.

Dean grabs you under the arms and slams you up against the wall, kissing you savagely. You try to kiss him back, assuming this is how he tells you he loves you, but his mouth has already moved to your neck. He sucks a little too hard and pushes you further against the wall, his hands moving to your hips. He holds them in a vice grip.

"Dean, that hurts! What are you doing?" You yelp.

"I'm showing you what I am." He growls.

He rips your robe off and squeezes your bare breast hard enough to bruise. You try to push him away.

"Dean, stop. I get the point, okay?" You say, beginning to feel a bit of fear.

"Do you get it?" He roars, grabbing your wrists and holding them above your head with one of his hands.

"You're hurting me! Stop!" You yell. 

You try to knee him but he pins your legs open with his own. You try to headbutt him but he presses his forehead to yours, keeping you firmly in place. He's far stronger than you and it's terrifying. His free hand trails a finger down the side of your body, stopping just before your most private parts. His eyes meet yours and they're black. And they stay black as he bites along your jaw.

"Do you still love me now, Y/N?" He snarls.

He bites your bottom lip and you yelp. Blood fills your mouth and a tear escapes your eye as you realize what's about to happen. He's too strong for you to stop it.

"SAM! HELP!" You cry out. "OH GOD PLEASE HELP!"

Dean laughs with no humor and delivers a bruising kiss to your bleeding lip before he lifts you away from the wall and tosses you onto the floor. You squeeze your eyes closed and wait. When nothing happens you pop one eye open to see that Dean has disappeared. You curl into a ball as Sam barrels through the door.

"I heard you yelling..oh god, what happened?" He asks urgently.

You simply cry and remain on the floor. Sam pulls the comforter from your bed and wraps you in it. He lifts you from the floor and carries you over to the mattress, sitting down with you curled in his lap.

"What happened?" He asks again. "Your mouth is bleeding...did something supernatural get in here? Have you seen Dean? We might need his help."

You whimper.

"Should we get help? Should I get Dean?" Sam asks again.

"That's not Dean." You reply flatly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y/N opens the door to her room and Dean is there. He heard what Sam told her about Dean being a monster and all that. Y/N tells Dean not to be upset with Sam, but he tells her that he's upset with HER. He explains how he's been pushing her away for the last few weeks and even when he killed a person, Y/N still defended him. He wants her to stop loving him and to stop thinking he's good. He then sort of assaults her and tells her he's showing what he really is now. She calls to Sam for help, Dean disappears, and Sam comes in to cover Y/N up and ask what happened. The last lines are:
> 
> "Should I get help? Should I get Dean?" Sam asks.  
> "That's not Dean." You reply flatly.
> 
> *If there are any further questions about my lame summary here, don't hesitate to comment them if you want! xoxo


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning you get out of bed and take another shower. You didn't get much sleep last night and you're hoping the spray of water will wake you up. You also feel like you need to be clean, even though you're not technically dirty. 

You step out of the cool shower and look in the mirror. Your neck has angry purple-black bruises from Dean's mouth, and your bottom lip is swollen from his bite. You take a quick glance at your chest and then steer your eyes away. The breast he grabbed has the shapes of his fingers bruised into it. You wrap yourself in a towel and hustle to your room to get dressed. You sit on your bed for a while, not ready to face Sam yet. Last night, after you'd calmed enough to speak, you told Sam the gist of what had happened with Dean. Sam hugged you to his chest and stayed with you until you finally fell asleep. Now, as you get ready to face him, you feel ashamed. Then you feel mad about being ashamed. Then you feel mad about being mad. Maybe you were stupid to trust Dean so much, maybe you had this coming. You shake your head, stride out the door, through the hall, and into the kitchen where Sam is cooking breakfast. 

"Hey." He says gently.

You nod a 'hello' and give him a small wave, remaining in the doorway.

"You want some eggs?" He asks. 

"Um, I'm not really hungry...but thanks." You say quietly.

Sam gets himself some food and sits at the table. You stay in the doorway for a few moments before turning and leaving.

"You can sit with me if you want." Sam calls.

You silently walk over and sit across from him, looking anywhere but at his eyes. Sam reaches across the table and gently cups your chin to direct your gaze to his. You flinch and pull away.

"Y/N, I won't make you talk about it if you don't want to." Sam says.

You take his big hand in both of yours and give it a gentle squeeze. "Thank you." You whisper, finally meeting his eyes.

He gives you a small smile and looks down at his plate. His eyes widen and his jaw tenses. You glance down and follow his gaze to your arms. Your sweater has ridden up and your bruised wrists are visible. You release his hand and pull back, tugging your sleeves down.

"What is that?" Sam asks between clenched teeth.

"Nothing. They're just from when he was..holding..my wrists. It's fine." You say around the lump forming in your throat.

"It's  _not_ fine." Sam growls.

You look at the floor, then the ceiling, anywhere but at Sam. That was a mistake. As soon as you looked up he made a noise.

"God, Y/N, your neck!" He exclaims.

You snap your gaze back down and pull your hoodie around your neck to hide the bruising. You'd forgotten about your stupid neck.

"Sam, please. Let's not talk about this." You practically beg.

"He  _hurt_ you, Y/N. He tried to...to...r-"

"I know what he did, alright? I know. Please just-just...I don't want to talk about it." You stutter.

You get up and hurry to your room. You close the door behind you and sag against it, letting your body slide to the floor. You drop your head into your hands and stay there for a long time, hours maybe, until a knock sounds at your door. You stand up, wipe a hand down your face, take a deep breath, and open the door. 

"Hey." Sam says gently. "Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. I really won't make you talk about it, okay? But I just want you to know I'm going after him. I know how to cure him and I have to do it."

"Sam, I..." 

"You don't have to help. I don't expect you to, of course. But what he is now...what he did to you...that's not my brother. I need to get my brother back." Sam says, looking on the verge of tears.

"I'll help." You squeak out. Then more firmly, "I'll help."

"No, you don't have to-"

"Sam, you're not doing this alone. Who's gonna help? Cas? Cause he hasn't answered our calls in  _weeks_. You need me, and we need Dean back." You state.

"Are you sure you can be around him?" Sam asks.

"Nope, but I'm sure as shit not going to let him hurt anybody else. You're right, he's not the same and he needs to be saved."

Sam nods and fills you in on how you're going to 'cure' Dean, which is injecting him with the blood of a pure human.

"So...he'll still have The Mark?" You ask.

Sam nods wearily.

"Well what if he dies again and becomes a demon  _again_? Or what if he can't resist The Mark or the First Blade and he turns bad again? What if-"

"I don't know." Sam cuts you off. "All I know is that he can't stay the way he is now."

"Right, so what's the plan?" You ask.

And so for the rest of the day, and part of the night, you and Sam come up with a plan. A plan that Sam argued with you about but eventually gave in. You both decide there's no reason to wait, so you plan to take action tomorrow night. Before it gets to late, Sam goes to the little church on the outskirts of town and confesses his sins and whatnot. He gets blessed and then his blood is pure. You offer to take his blood for him but he says he can do it on his own.

You say goodnight to Sam and try to call Cas one more time. You call his cell and, of course, there's no answer. You even try praying to him, but nothing. You go to your room, feeling stupid for even trying. You pause in the hall outside of Sam's door and hear the tail end of a voicemail he's leaving for Cas. You stand there for a while and listen as he prays to him at least three times, with obviously no results. He calls again and leaves another message. You suppose Sam has always had more hope in him than anyone.

. . .

You wake in the morning with a feeling you can't quite place. You just feel...ready. Ready to help Sam and ready to save Dean. But beneath that there is fear. Fear of seeing Dean again and fear of what he could do. You try to push it down. You have to keep your head in the game.

For the majority of the day you ready the supplies while Sam tries to pinpoint Dean's location. Dean isn't dumb, so it came as no surprise when you found his phone ringing in his bedroom. He'd left it so you couldn't track his location with it. You do notice that he took his 'burner phone' with him, the one that you couldn't track. Sam spends the day scouring the news and hacking the security camera footage of small businesses a couple of towns over. He eventually gets gets a general ballpark range on Dean's location and the two of you finish gathering supplies. You load up one of the spare cars and take a deep breath.

"You ready?" Sam asks.

"As I'm ever gonna be."

"You're sure you want to do this?" Sam says.

You nod. "We have to."

You both get in the car and drive to the next town in silence.

. . .

Sam parks the car in a hidden stretch of forest and turns to you.

"Ok, you're ready?" He asks again.

"Yes."

"I won't let him hurt you, Y/N." Sam says seriously.

"I know. You, uh, got all your..blood?" You ask.

"Yep." Sam gestures to the backseat where a pouch holds all the needles to inject Dean.

You get out of the car and pop the trunk. You stick a knife in your boot and tuck a gun in the back of your jeans. You shove a flask of holy water into your cleavage beneath your shirt and tell Sam you're ready.

"If I haven't heard from you by 9:30, I'm coming in." He says.

"Okay, sounds good. I'll call you if it works." You reply.

You know Sam is about to ask you if you're sure again, so you pat his shoulder and then jog out of the woods.

You're not exactly sure where in this town Dean is, or even if he's still around, but you hope for the best. The plan is that you'll wait in some abandoned house and call Dean, tell him you want to talk, and pray he shows. In the old house, you and Sam had painted Devil's Traps under various scattered rugs and tarps around the main floor. Hopefully you could get Dean to step into one of them. This plan had caused quite an upset with Sam, he didn't like the idea of you being the bait. But you both knew Dean wouldn't show up for Sam, he would know his brother was up to something. You're not sure why you think he'll come when you call but you have a feeling in your gut that tells you he will.

You step into the dusty old house and take a few deep breaths. You look at the time on your phone. 9:00. You wait until 9:10 and then call Dean's burner cell. He doesn't answer, so you call again. This happens four times until finally you leave a message. 

"Dean, it's me. I want to talk." You begin. You take another breath and give him the address, telling him to hurry. "Don't tell Sam. He doesn't know I'm here." You lie.

You slide the phone into your back pocket and wait nervously. You don't have to wait long before you hear a chuckle behind you and turn around to see Dean, black eyes blazing, grin on his face.


	8. Chapter 8

You shrink back from Dean and he laughs. 

"Hey, sweetheart. You miss me?" He says smugly, taking a step closer.

You set your jaw and square your shoulders. You take a small step forward and try to meet Dean's eyes. You're faced with the emotionless black orbs and settle for looking at his nose instead. Close enough.

"I want to talk about...about the other night." You say, trying to sound confident and surely failing at it.

Dean laughs again and it sends an uncomfortable chill down your spine. He steps closer, you step back. He laughs, you shiver. Clearly the brave act isn't working out for you, so you make the decision to use your fear. You back up a few steps so that you're standing on the edge of one of the carpets with a trap underneath. You back away in a fearful manner so that Dean thinks you're just scared of him. Well, you  _are_ scared of him, but you have other motives. You have a plan to follow through with. 

"What's the matter? Afraid your plan isn't gonna work out?" Dean asks.

You freeze. Your brows furrow.

"I know what you're here for. You and Sam think you're so smart." He says.

"I don't know what you're talking about." You say flatly.

"Sure you do. Lure me here, trap me, save me, whatever. Too bad its not gonna work."

Dean begins pacing circles around you. While he's in front of you, you slowly grab your phone from your back pocket. When he circles behind you, you hit the speed dial for Sam. A hand snakes around your waist and you flinch.

"Yeah, call Sammy for help." Dean, now pressing against you from behind, whispers mockingly in your ear. "He can't help you."

Dean rips the phone from your grasp and steps away from you. You release a breath you weren't aware you were holding, relieved that you now have more room to move away from him. Dean puts the phone on speaker and a familiar voice lilts through.

"Hello, darling."

"Crowley." You whisper. Then louder, "Where's Sam?"

"Oh, I'm afraid the Moose is a little tied up at the moment." Crowley says. Then away from the phone, "Say hello, Moose."

"Y/N, get out of there!" Sam shouts across the line.

"Sam! I'm-"

Dean hangs up the phone and tosses it on the ground. He strides closer to you and you reach for the gun in your waistband. It won't kill him but it might slow him down. You stand a few feet on the outside of one of the Devil's Traps, so that he'll have to walk straight into it on his way to you. He does walk straight into it, and then straight out of it. Your eyes widen in shock. You fire the gun without a second thought. Dean swerves out of the bullets path and has reached you before you can shoot again. He smacks the gun out of your hands and pulls you close.

"I went ahead and scratched away at your little traps while you were getting ready at the car." Dean says with a smirk.

His hand slides down your back and you try to push him away but he pulls you flush against him. Your breathing quickens as anxiety tears through your chest. You close your eyes and try to push it back. You have to fight.

You headbutt Dean hard enough to make him stumble back. You push away the pain in your own head and swiftly pull your knife out of your boot. Again, it won't kill him but it could injure and distract him just enough for you to get away. Dean recovers quickly and you swing the blade at him. You catch his shoulder and he snarls. He charges at you as you swing and stab wildly, trying to slow him down. You slice into his collarbone and his arm hits you in the abdomen, pushing the air from your lungs and knocking you to the ground. You scramble up but Dean is faster than you. He pulls the knife from your grasp, cutting your palm open in the process. He's mad. He flings the knife across the room and it clatters to the floor, sliding under a dusty old couch. Dean grabs you by the shoulders and wrenches you upright. You cry out as one of your shoulders dislocates with a sickening popping noise. Dean seems to pause for a moment, his face possibly softening, then he gives his head a little shake and slams you against the wall. He slides you up the wall so your feet no longer touch the floor. You kick frantically. Your foot makes contact with his crotch and he doubles over, releasing you. You crash to the ground, landing on your injured shoulder. Again, Dean recovers sooner than you do. This time he grabs your ankle and drags you over to an old box-spring mattress that rests on the floor. It has a layer of dust on it, and some sort of wet substance. He lifts you and throws you onto it. Dust flies everywhere, into your nose, eyes, and mouth. You cough and sputter, trying to get up. Dean lands on top of you, sitting on your stomach and effectively pinning your arms to your sides with his legs. You wriggle and kick your legs to try and push or knee him off. He doesn't budge. He caresses a finger down the side of your face. You turn your head and bite his hand, hard. He growls and gives you a menacing look.

"You might want to think about being a little nicer to me, sweetheart. You don't want me to get angry." He says.

You clench your jaw and say nothing, still attempting to get away from him. He reaches for your bra strap, now hanging off your shoulder, and follows the line of it down to the top of one of the cups. Part of your bra is exposed from where your tank top strap must have ripped in the struggle. Dean traces a finger along the top of your bra and you squeeze your eyes shut. He reaches the center of the garment and chuckles without humor. 

"Holy water? Really?" He says, pulling it out and tossing it.

Your eyes fly open. You'd forgotten about the holy water flask. You curse yourself for not using it. You're not sure  _when_ you could have used it, but still.

Dean leans down and kisses your jaw. You turn your head away from him.

"Stop it." You say weakly.

"No." He replies.

"Look, if you want to kill me, just do it! Please." You plead.

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm not gonna kill you. Where's the fun in that?"

Dean offers you a Cheshire Cat grin and plants a kiss on your lips. He forces his tongue into your mouth and you bite it as hard as you dare. Dean curses and pushes your head away from him roughly.

"I told you not to piss me off." He growls.

You spit his blood out of your mouth in reply.

He hooks a finger into your bra and pulls it down. You wriggle. Then his finger hooks into the waistband of your jeans and he begins to pull them downward. You go nuts, kicking and wiggling and screaming. Dean clamps a hand over your mouth and keeps pulling at your jeans. A tear escapes your eye and Dean smirks.

Suddenly, his weight is lifted off of you and he roars. You sit up and gasp in surprise. Castiel is holding a struggling Dean in a sort of bear-hug from behind.

"Cas...you came." You whisper.

He nods at you. "I've got him, Y/N."

You jump up. "Where's Sam?!"

"By the car. Crowley is gone." Cas says.

You run over and retrieve your phone, your knife, and your gun in a hurry. You look down and flush. Your bra still sits below one of your breasts. You tug it back up and pull your jeans higher.

"I will take him home." Cas calls, and then he disappears with Dean.

You hurry out the door and hustle though the forest to reach Sam. You run full speed at him and wrap him in a hug. His arms wrap around you securely.

"Thank God you're okay." You exclaim, looking up at him.

"I'm fine. Cas...he finally showed." Sam smiles a bit as he says it. "Uh, are you okay?"

You sigh and step out of his embrace. "Yep."

"I don't believe you." Sam replies.

"I'm fine, Sam."

Sam scans your appearance and narrows his eyes. "Uh-huh. If you say so."

"I need you to do something for me." You say.

"Anything you need." He replies without hesitation.

"I need you to pop my shoulder back into place."

Sam looks surprised for a moment. "Which one?" Is all he says.

You tell him its your right shoulder and then brace yourself against the car. He doesn't warn you, he just pops it. You yell and then you gasp at the bit of pain relief.

"Thanks."

"No problem. Ready to go?" Sam asks.

You nod.

"You need to change and shower. You smell like a public toilet." Sam says, scrunching his nose.

You punch his shoulder and he laughs warmly. You tell him to drive and you look out the window for most of the ride, listening to the radio and trying to keep your shit together. You see Sam glancing at you every now and then, and you can just picture his worried expression. You tell him you're fine, he says he believes you. He keeps glancing though.


	9. Chapter 9

You and Sam reach the bunker and he heads straight for the dungeon while you head straight for the bathroom to get cleaned up, stopping on the way when Cas pops up to heal your wounds. You let him heal you, thanking him before he disappears to go help Sam. You agonize over the night's events as you wash off in the shower, shivering despite the warm water cascading over you. You get dressed quickly an hurry toward the room Dean is being kept in. As you approach, you hear three voices; Sam's, Castiel's, and of course Dean's. Sam and Cas are talking urgently to each other in hushed tones while Dean laughs and spits out mean comments. You pause, hiding behind one of the shelves that serves as a door for the dungeon, not sure if you really want to go in and face everyone. You know for a fact that you're scared of Dean right now. What he did to you, or tried to do to you, was horrifying. It would be bad enough if he was a stranger, or just a run of the mill demon, but he was someone you loved...someone you trusted with your life to have your back and keep you safe. Now that was all fucked up. 

You find yourself shivering in fear again. You steel yourself and take a deep breath before striding into the dungeon with your head up. You have to help save Dean. You feel that you owe it to him and you owe it to yourself. Dean, before he was a demon, was always there for you. You'd always been there for him as well, and that wouldn't stop now. Sam and Cas look up from their intent conversation and their faces switch to those of sympathy and concern. You walk over to them, looking anywhere but at Dean, who's now yelling derogatory remarks at you. 

"Y/N, you can sit this one out if you want," Sam says.

"We can handle this," Cas says with a reassuring nod.

You look them both in the eye and shake your head.

"Really, we don't mind," Sam insists. "After what he put you through its completely understandable if you-"

"I'm fine, guys. I have to do this," you reply firmly.

Sam and Cas glance at each other, then at you, then at Dean who snickers.

"Alright, but if you need to step away you will tell us," Castiel says.

You nod in agreement and the two men turn to Dean. Sam pulls out one of the needles of his blood an approaches his brother, telling him they're going to help. Dean laughs rudely and screams as Sam jabs the needle into him, injecting the blood. This process continues every few hours. Dean says some terrible things to Sam and Castiel, but mostly to you. He says things that make your strong will waver, and things that make Sam wince. Even Cas seems to cringe when Dean speaks to you. Dean is getting increasingly angry and increasingly more terrifying to you. But you stand your ground, giving assistance where its needed and keeping your mouth shut while you avoid the older Winchester's black gaze. Sam and Cas keep asking if you're okay, or telling you its fine if you want to go, but you keep telling them you'll stay, that you're fine. The truth is, your legs are shaking and your heart is beating uncontrollably. You know Dean is chained up with traps and cuffs and everything, but he still scares you like this. Another part of you feels bad for him and hates seeing him this way. You still feel like the real Dean is in there somewhere and it saddens you but frightens you all at the same time. The injections continue and the blatantly sexual remarks keep coming. Once, when you go to get some water, you hear Dean begin verbally attacking Sam and Cas the second you're out of the room. You feel a little better knowing its not just you he's targeting, but you also wish he wouldn't say such hurtful things to your friends. You wonder if he's going to remember all of this. You can't see why he wouldn't. He's going to feel so guilty afterward, and that makes your heart pang. Its so easy to hate him right now, but you know deep down that you don't really. Sam decides after a while that you really need to go. He whispers to you that he can see your knees shaking and that Dean might go down more easily if you're not around. You nod and decide to give in this time, knowing you can't look at Dean much longer. You turn your back, telling Sam and Cas to call if they need you. As you leave, Dean shouts.

"You better watch your back, Y/N. When I break out of here I'm going to sneak into your room while you're sleeping and-"

Cas waves his hand at a rapid speed and the shelf doors slam behind you, successfully cutting off the rest of Dean's sentence. You're thankful for that, because what you heard was enough. You head to your room and lie on top of the blankets on your back, afraid to close your eyes. You have no idea how much time has passed when you hear a  _whoosh_ from nearby. Your subconscious knows its just Cas, but your mind swirls with Dean's earlier comments and you jump. Sure enough, Castiel's face pops into your vision. 

"You're awake," he states, frowning.

You sit up. "Yep, I'm awake."

"You've been in here for four hours, Y/N. You should be asleep," Cas says sternly.

"I can't sleep," you whisper.

"You're afraid?" Cas asks, tilting his head.

You look at your hands and nod.

"Dean cannot get out," he tries to assure you.

"I know, but...I dunno, I just can't sleep," you say, flustered.

Cas walks backward and plants himself in front of your closed door and crosses his arms. Your brows furrow.

"What are you doing, Cas?" you question.

"I'm standing guard. Dean will not get out, but if he does, he will have to go through me," the angel states.

You smile at your friend, feeling gratitude wash over you. You're not sure what to say, because thank you wouldn't be enough. You know Castiel would much rather be in the dungeon, right in the action. But instead he's here, watching over you to make sure you feel safe. You hop off the bed and wrap your arms around his waist, lying your head against him and squeezing him tight. One of his arms circles around you and he rubs your back. You step back and he smiles crookedly down at you.

"Thank you, Cas, but you really don't have to-"

"I am happy to help you," he interrupts.

"But what about Sam? What if he needs your help?" you ask, suddenly worried about the younger Winchester being alone with Dean.

"He will be fine. I will check in on him regularly. Now go to sleep," Cas says.

You follow his orders and tuck yourself into bed, feeling much safer now. You finally close your eyes and fall asleep.

. . . 

"Y/N, wake up!" 

You feel someone shaking you and your eyes pop open to see Sam's figure standing over you. You bolt up. 

"What? Is everything okay? Are you okay?" you ask hurriedly.

"Everything's fine. Y/N, Dean's back," Sam says.

"Back?" you ask, stupidly wondering for a moment where he went.

"Yeah, back. As in, back to himself. Not a demon," Sam explains.

Your eyes widen. After all this time, you never thought you'd hear those words. You can't believe you missed the moment he turned back!

"Since when?" you ask.

"Like ten minutes ago. He turned back and passed out, that's when I came to get you. Cas is with him right now, trying to wake him up," Sam says.

You stand up from bed and follow Sam down the long hallway, thinking all the while that you have no idea what you're supposed to say to Dean. You knew the point of this was to cure Dean, but somehow you weren't anticipating that it would actually work. You feel some sort of weird excitement bubble in your stomach, tied in with the nervous energy that's become a part of you within the last little while. Dean is saved, but how are things ever supposed to be normal? You give your head a shake and zone back into your environment in time to see that you've reached the dungeon. Sam places a steady hand on your back to try and calm you. You follow Sam in and your eyes follow his to where Dean sits, still chained, in the middle of the room. His head pulls itself upright and his eyes flutter open. Your muscles tighten, half expecting to see those soulless black globes staring at you. You pull in a sharp breath when you're met with the forest green of Dean Winchester's eyes. 

The green orbs are bright and already full of guilt and shame. 


	10. Chapter 10

"Welcome back, Dean," Sam says to his brother, clapping him on the back.

"Sam..Cas..." Dean says slowly, his voice still deep but definitely not what you came to think of as his 'demon voice'.

"Yeah, Dean?"

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Dean says quietly.

"For what?" Sam asks.

"For all those things I was saying to you, for being such a dick, for-"

"Its fine, that wasn't you," Sam says reassuringly.

"But it _was_ me, and I can't-"

Castiel steps forward and places a hand on Dean's shoulder. "It wasn't. Regardless, we forgive you."

Dean looks at the floor, "Thanks, Cas."

You step out from behind Sam and Dean looks up, meeting your eyes. What you see in his eyes makes you feel sick. Dean has always been full of self-loathing, that's just who he is, but the set of his features now is something else. He looks like he's ashamed of his entire existence. You hate it. You want to tell him its okay, that you forgive him, but somehow you can't find it in you to say anything. You hold his self-hating gaze until it physically hurts you and you have to look away. 

"Do you two want a minute to talk? Cas and I can wait in the hall if you want?" Sam says, mostly addressing you. 

"I..." you begin, but you honestly have no idea what you want right now.

Dean glances at you. "Is...is that okay with you, Y/N?" 

You look at the three men staring at you and nod weakly. "Sure."

Sam and Cas move to undo Dean's chains and cuffs that keep him locked in his chair and your heartbeat quickens. You're afraid for Dean to be free, and you feel bad about it. Dean stops them, telling them to leave everything on.

"Dean, that's not necessary. You're fine, you're not going to hurt anyone," Sam argues.

"Sammy, please just leave them for now...please," Dean asks again.

Sam and Cas back away with curt nods and leave the room. The bookshelves slide home behind them and then its just you and Dean alone in the quiet room. You pull up a chair and sit a good five feet away in front of Dean. He takes a long time to look at you, and when he does you wish he hadn't. You want to wipe away the ashamed look on his face and make him feel better. But you can't, because you don't feel better about anything yet either. 

"I know you must hate me, and you should, but I'm just...I'm so sorry, Y/N..." Dean begins.

Your features twist. Hate him? Far from it. You may be weary of him right now, but you can't hate him, not really. You're pretty sure nobody hates him more than he hates himself right now. You want to tell him all of this but your stupid mouth won't open. You fiddle with your hands and look anywhere but at his pained stare.

He clears his throat and continues, "I don't expect you to forgive me, I don't  _want_ you to forgive me. I sure as hell don't deserve it. The things I said to Sam and Cas, sure that was bad, but what I did to you...that was just..." He looks at his hands and takes a breath. "Anyway, I don't have an explanation for the things I did. It was like I knew what I was doing but I couldn't stop it, and I didn't want to stop it. I don't know how to explain it, I really don't. I just need you to know that I'm sorry, more sorry than I could ever express. I don't know where we go from here, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do now, but I  _do_  know I won't hold it against you if you hate me or can't trust me again."

You don't say anything right away, and Dean looks between you and the floor, clearly beating himself up on the inside.

"I don't hate you," you finally squeak out.

You hear Dean's sharp intake of breath and he meets your gaze with wonder. Your stomach pangs a little when you see how relieved he is that you don't hate him.

"You terrified me," you say honestly. He nods sadly. "But, that wasn't really you. It was some twisted version of you, sure, but it wasn't really  _you._ "

"Stop saying that. Don't cut me any slack. It  _was_ me, I knew exactly what I was doing and I didn't stop." Dean says weakly.

Your defenses prick up. All this time you've been trying to justify hating Dean because even though he was a demon, he still did all those things to you. Like he said, he knew what he was doing and he did it anyway, he wanted to do it. But hearing it come from his mouth, your true feelings shine through at last. Hearing Dean rag on himself for what he did makes you feel the need to defend him, so that's exactly what you do.

"If a dog that was once friendly gets rabies and attacks someone, are you going to blame the damn dog? I don't think so. You're going to blame the rabies and be sad to see the dog be taken over like that. How is this any different?" You ask, feeling kind of dumb for using that analogy.

"I'm not a dog, I should know better. Also, people put dogs down when they have rabies. Maybe the same should have happened to me," Dean replies.

 You pull your chair closer. "Dean Winchester, you listen to me. Do you think if you were a bad person, you'd be feeling this guilty right now? Would you feel the need to apologize for your actions? When you were a demon, you sure as shit didn't apologize for  _anything_ you did. Why do you think that is? I'll tell you why, its because you weren't  _you_ when you were a demon. Simple as that." 

"But-"

"No, I don't want to hear it. Stop the self-hatred right now. I won't stand for it. You are not a bad person, you're not evil. You've done a lifetime of good, and I won't let this stint of bad take you down. You were a fucking  _demon_ , Dean. You held onto your humanity longer than some of them do, I'm sure of it. Hell, you weren't just a demon, you had The Mark of Cain. You literally had the mark of evil on you that whole time, and you only fully gave into it after you died and it brought you back. You had that thing," you gesture at the Mark on his arm, "on you for  _months_  before you turned,and you resisted it with every fiber of your being. I saw it all, so don't you dare try to tell me you don't deserve forgiveness," you stand and place your hands on the arms of his chair, getting close so he has to meet your eyes. "Don't you dare spend one more second thinking your life isn't worth it, because it is, Dean, its more than worth it. Do you understand me?"

Dean's features change to those of surprise. He seems surprised that you're defending him. He still looks ashamed, but underneath he looks relieved.

"I said, do you understand me?" you demand.

He nods. You step back and move your chair back to the corner where it was before.

"Good, now will you let us take off the cuffs and chains?" you ask, feeling less scared now. 

Dean appears to be deep in thought before he gives in and nods again. Sam and Cas come back in and the three of you release Dean. He stands and stretches, rubbing his wrists where there are red marks and shallow cuts from where he must have been pulling against the restraints. Cas offers to heal him, but he refuses adamantly. Sam makes some food for his older brother and then Cas sits across from him at the table to keep him company as Sam pulls you aside. 

"Y/N, that was amazing what you said to him back there. I'm sure he really needed to hear that," Sam whispers.

"I meant it," is all you say.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Alright. Are you sure you're okay? I mean, I don't really know where we go from here, but Dean is gonna be messy for a while. We need to support him, for sure, but I need to make sure you're comfortable. Cas and I need to make sure you're supported too. I'm going to ask you now if you're okay with being around Dean, and then I'll leave it alone," Sam says gently.

"I'll be just fine, Sam. Thanks for your concern, really, it means a lot," you offer him a small smile. 

Sam pats your arm and then tells you that you should all eat something and rest up. You follow his orders and then all of you retreat to your bedrooms. You lie awake for a long time, trying and failing to calm your mixed emotions. You think about how things are supposed to move forward after this. What about the Mark? How are you supposed to get rid of that? You think a lot about what your relationship with Dean will be like after this is all said and done. You love him like a best friend, but you've loved him for a long time as something more. Only when he was a demon did you actually do something about it. That version of him horrifies you now, but how are you supposed to feel about the regular Dean? You fall asleep with these questions all unanswered.

. . . .

A few weeks pass and nothing is really normal. You've all gone hunting, but it wasn't the same. Sam thinks its best to try and get Dean back into old routines, but there's still the fear of the Mark hanging over everybody's heads. Cas is around more often than he used to be, which is just about the only positive thing about this. Well, that and the fact that Dean wasn't a demon of course. The dynamic of your relationship with Dean has certainly changed, which means the dynamic of your whole gang has changed. Its been difficult for everyone to adjust. Dean still seems guilt-ridden and upset a lot of the time. You sometimes find yourself nervous around him even though you don't want to be. He never touches you or gets to close. No hugs, no fist bumps, no high fives, nothing. There's less sarcasm and joking. You hate every minute of it and you can tell Dean does too. You hate remembering what he did to you and you hate looking into his eyes and knowing he remembers it too. One night, as you're reading alone in your room, you make a decision to try and fix all this. You send Cas a text asking him to come and see you whenever he has a chance. He shows up shortly.

"What can I do for you, Y/N?" Cas asks in his gravelly tone.

You take a deep breath. "I want you to make me forget everything."

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

"Forget everything?" Cas asks, cocking his head to the side.

You nod. "I want to forget what Dean did to me, I want to forget all the bad stuff that happened between him and I while he was a demon."

"Y/N..." Cas begins.

You hold up your hand. "I want to remember that he  _was_ a demon, and I'll even keep the memories of him doing bad things. I just want the bad things he did to me all gone."

"That is not a wise-"

"Cas, please! I can't keep avoiding him and I can't look into his eyes and see all the pain there. I know he hates himself for what he did to me and it's killing me. The way he looks at me breaks my fucking heart! I don't want him to feel this way..I don't want to feel this way," you explain frantically.

"Have you forgiven him?" Castiel asks.

"What?"

"Have you forgiven him?" he repeats.

"I don't...know," you admit.

Cas nods slowly. "What he did to you...what he tried to do to you...could be seen as unforgivable. Y/N, he tried to-" 

"I know what he did, okay?! I know. But I hate this. I just want things back to the way they were before. I can't stand that he hates himself!" you shout.

"Do you hate him?" Cas asks calmly.

"Of course not!" you reply without hesitation.

"Do you think he deserves forgiveness?" Cas questions.

"Yes," you say immediately.

Cas nods again. "Well, Y/N, I think you just need time to heal."

You shake your head. "Cas, no. Don't you see it doesn't matter if we forgive him? He's not ever gonna forgive himself if he has to look at me and know what I'll always remember what happened. If you wipe my memories, then we don't have to be this way forever."

"If I wipe your memories, Dean is still going to remember what happened. I will remember, and Sam will remember. It will only be you who is oblivious. I know Dean so I know that will only make it worse for him, not better. You know that too, Y/N." Cas replies.

You sigh. Of course, Cas is right. You think for a moment about asking Cas to get rid of Dean's memories too but neither of them will go for it. Dean thinks he deserves to suffer for this, so there's no way he'll let himself off the hook that easily. 

"What should I do, Cas?" you ask weakly.

Castiel's eyes widen. "Uh, I am not the one to ask for advice. I can go get Sam if you wish."

"Please, Cas. You're my friend and I need your help."

"I think you should work on forgiving him, and if you reach the point of forgiveness you should tell him that. If Dean is ever going to begin to feel better about this, it will not begin until you've assured him of your forgiveness." 

"Have you forgiven him?" you ask.

Cas sighs. "Am I supposed to lie?"

You chuckle a little. "No, not this time."

"I have." Cas says simply.

You nod slowly, actually feeling relieved at his answer. "One more question."

"Go ahead."

"Do you think things will ever be back to normal?" you ask.

"It's going to be extremely difficult for you both but yes I think all that is possible," Castiel answers.

"I'm gonna hate this, aren't I?" you say with a sigh.

"You are. And it's going to be a very lengthy, terrible process."

"Cas, now is when you're supposed to lie." you smirk.

"Oh. Uh, you're going to do great! This will be over before you know it!" he says with a dramatic thumbs up and a stiff smile.

You laugh for real this time. "Thanks, pal."

"Anytime," Cas says with a real smile, and then he's gone and you're alone.

Just as Cas leaves, you realize you've already forgiven Dean. You're not over it by any means and you're still very upset, but you're not scared of him anymore and your need to fix things overpowers your need to cower in your bed. You exit your room and walk steadily down the hall to Dean's room. You clench your fists and steel yourself, trying to calm your nerves as you knock twice on the door. 


End file.
